The toughest part of apologizing is realizing and admitting that you were wrong.
The power of the one minute apology is deeper than just words.
Any problem you have spins out of control the minute you avoid dealing with the truth.
A one minute apology begins with surrender and ends with integrity.
Surrendering has two parts: first, it is about you and coming to grips with what you did wrong. Second, is to make sure the person or persons you have harmed feel that you know you made a mistake.
One minute of being honest with yourself is worth more than days, months, or years of self-deception.
You surrender when:
- Are truthful and admit to yourself that you have done something wrong and need to make up for it.
- Take full responsibility for your actions and any harm done to anyone else.
- Have a sense of urgency about apologizing-you act as soon as possible.
- Tell everyone you have harmed exactly what you now realize was your mistake-you are very specific.
- Share with those you harmed how badly you feel about what you did-enough to change your behavior and not do it again.
Great leaders give everyone else credit when things go well. And when things go wrong, they take full responsibility.
The longer you wait to apologize, the sooner your weakness is perceived as wickedness.
Honesty is telling the truth to ourselves and others. Integrity is living that truth.
The legacy you leave is the one you live.
Never get upset with yourself-only with your behavior.
You have to deal with two facts: first, you did something wrong to someone else that needs to be corrected. Second, you did something that is at odds with who you want to be, or how you want others to think of you.
You make amends only when you change your behavior and make up for what you did.
You have integrity when:
- Recognize that what you did or failed to do is wrong and is inconsistent with who you want to be.
- Reaffirm that you are better than your poor behavior and forgive yourself.
- Recognize how much you have hurt others, and make amends to them for the harm you caused.
- Make a commitment to yourself and others not to repeat the act, and demonstrate your commitment by changing your behavior.
NATO – not attached to the outcome
Apologize not for the outcome but because you know you’re wrong and it’s the right thing to do.
Never apologize to please someone.
Never assume you know what another person is thinking.
The best way to apologize to someone you harmed is to tell them you made a mistake, you feel badly about it, and how you will change your behavior.
Every one minute apology makes you more aware of how much your behavior affects others.
If you lie to yourself, lying to others becomes second nature.
How does ego get out of control?
- False pride-think more of yourself than you should
- Self-doubt-think less of yourself than you should
People with humility don’t think less of themselves. They just think about themselves less.
When you think the love you get is conditional, your self-worth is always up for grabs. That’s when you start promoting or protecting yourself all the time. You believe you have to perform well or impress others to get any love or attention, and you have to repeat it again and again to keep it.
When you honestly express your feelings with someone you care about. You show respect for yourself and the relationship.
You are able to accept yourself when:
- Your self-worth is not based on your performance pr the opinion of others.
- When you make a mistake, you are willing to admit it regardless of the outcome.
- You don’t think less of yourself, you think of yourself less.
- You realize it is impossible to achieve enough, gain enough recognition, attain enough power, or own enough things t earn any more love. You are already loved unconditionally.
A one minute apology can be an effective way to correct a mistake you have made and restore the trust needed for a good relationship.
THE ONE MINUTE APOLOGY: A SUMMARY
I ask myself the following questions, and answer truthfully:
- What mistake did I make?
- Did I dismiss another person, their wishes, feelings, or ideas?
- Did I take credit when it wasn’t due?
- Why did I do this?
- Was it an impulsive, thoughtless act? Was it calculated? Was it a result of my fear, anger, or frustration? What was my motivation?
- How long have I let this go on? Is this the first or repeated time? Is this behavior becoming a pattern in my life?
- What is the truth I am not dealing with?
- Am I better than this behavior?
Then I do the following:
Begin with surrender…
- I am truthful and admit to myself that I’ve done something wrong and need to make up for it.
- I take full responsibility for my actions and sincerely recognize the need to apologize to anyone I have harmed, regardless of the outcome.
- I have a sense of urgency about apologizing-I act as soon as possible.
- I tell anyone harmed specifically what I did wrong.
- I share how I feel about what I did with those harmed
I complete with integrity…
- I recognize what I did is inconsistent with who I want to be.
- I reaffirm I am better than my poor behavior and forgive myself.
- I recognize how much I have hurt another person by making amends and demonstrate my commitment not to repeat the act by changing my behavior.
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